|
::.We have trouble accepting ourselves or each other for who we really are...
When partners have trouble accepting each other as they are, their marriage can lose balance and direction. Do you wish you could change yourself, your spouse, or your situation? Read on to learn how to handle this marital issue.
1. We Can Work It Out if My Partner Changes
Do you think your partner must change in order for your marriage to work better? This unrealistic belief could lead to major disagreements and communication breakdowns. Stop finding fault with your spouse--try this instead:
The Solution
Accept your spouse: "You need to stop blaming, build up your tolerance, and accept your spouse's nature," says Dr. Polston. "There are some things you can change and some you can't. Genetic research suggests that there's a much greater element of 'nature' involved in personality. We are who we are who we are," Dr. Polston concludes.
Adjust your attitude: Instead of nagging someone to change, try to let go and change your attitude. "We are all incompatible to some degree," Dr. Polston advises. "Some couples can name 10 areas where they are incompatible. Some can name more. Relax and work on tolerating your differences."
2. We Can Work It Out if I Change
Do you think that if you could only change, then your marriage would work better? While this may be partially true, taking this belief too far could lead to anxiety, disappointment, and escalating tensions in your marriage. Stop finding fault with yourself--try this instead:
The Solution
Accept yourself: Don't blame yourself if things are difficult. "We need to create a more positive environment for ourselves rather than trying to change ourselves," advises Dr. Polston. How about getting away from blaming yourself and start saying that you accept who you are? "Self-acceptance and a positive environment will help you feel more at ease and help your marriage," Dr. Polston suggests.
Work together: Remember--marriage is a partnership. Therefore, you are not entirely responsible for what happens. Focus less on your faults and more on what action the two of you can take together to create a supportive, nurturing environment.
3. We Could Work It Out if We Had More Money
Do you think if you made more money your marriage would work better? This erroneous notion can lead to arguments between you and your spouse. Focus on discovering the real root of the problem:
The Solution
Explore the situation: Blaming your marital problems solely on a lack of money shifts attention from the other areas that you and your spouse should explore. Identify the real issue to reach real solutions.
Accept and adapt: Once you've identified the problem, work together to solve it. "The differences between couples who thrive and those who get into blaming matches are striking," says Dr. Polston. Those who thrive tend to confront, accept, and adapt to their spouses and circumstances. "They take the good with the bad and focus on the good, while respecting each other's needs." Remember, it's normal to have incompatibility, and no amount of money will change or erase that.
|
