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::.One or both of us has unrealistic expectations of domestic life...
Thinking about the way things should be, rather than dealing with things as they are, inevitably leads to misunderstandings and disappointments. If any of the following issues ring true for you, try the solutions provided to help you and your spouse solve the problem.
1. My Spouse Hates Staying Home
Does your spouse complain that he or she hates spending time at home because there are so many things wrong with it? This can make you feel frustrated, rejected, and angry. Have courage: you can turn this negative situation into a positive one.
The Solution
Communicate carefully: Open the lines of communication on this topic. Discuss the situation calmly and patiently.
Identify problem and solutions: Find out what your spouse dislikes about the house and brainstorm solutions that you can complete together. Write down your list of solutions and make a copy for your spouse.
Make a schedule: Create an approximate timeline for improvements.
Work together: Commit to making the changes in your house a shared emotional and material project.
2. My Spouse Won't Help
Does your spouse refuse to make household repairs? This can make you feel inconvenienced, rejected, angry, and resentful and lead to major arguments. Be strong--there is an answer.
The Solution
Accept your differences: "If you blame, you lose the game," says Dr. Polston. "We are all incompatible to some degree." Perhaps this is one area where you and your spouse will never see eye to eye. Recognize your differences and agree to work together to find a solution.
Identify compromises: If your spouse always expects you to fix things, propose how some of the burden could be taken off your shoulders. For example, perhaps you can agree to call in a service professional the next time the dishwasher breaks down.
Exchange: If fixing things around the house takes up a lot of your time, propose an exchange; for example, your spouse agrees to cook dinner and do the dishes the next time you fix something.
3. We Argue About Maintenance Expenditures
Do you and your spouse argue about how much time and money you spend on your house? This can lead to anxiety, financial insecurity, and resentments, and ultimately even deeper conflicts. Here's how you can identify and resolve the conflict:
The Solution
Acknowledge the problem: Realize you have a problem and resolve to use some conflict resolution skills to solve it.
Communicate carefully: Each person states their view of the problem, while the other listens without interrupting. Each area is discussed and resolved in an orderly manner.
Propose solutions: Request a change and propose a possible solution. If you can't agree, let the other propose something. Reach a working compromise. For example, "I accept what you say on the following condition," then name the condition.
Meet again: If you cannot agree, take a rest and try again another time. Schedule a time for another discussion and congratulate yourself for your efforts. "Communicating this way can help you create a safety zone in your marriage," says Dr. Polston. "Keep trying and you'll get a compromise."
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