::.One of us wants less time with the family and more time with friends...
When one of you feels a need for more personal time spent with friends, this can create resentment, which can then lead to deeper conflicts. How do you balance your need for personal time versus family time?
Solutions
- Determine your boundaries: To defuse conflicts that are ignited by one spouse's preference for socializing with friends rather than family, first review your boundaries. For example, agree a problem exists and that it's a good idea for the two of you to resolve it in a polite, fair manner.
- Make a date: Set aside a time to discuss this matter when you can both give it your full, calm attention.
- Communicate carefully: Both you and your spouse should express your side of the story using neutral language. Consider what it is you need, and how willing you are to negotiate with your partner. Write down your thoughts to help you clarify your position. Be careful about the words you choose and your tone of voice, and try to be neutral. Keep your body language relaxed.
- Take your time: Work towards conflict resolution by discussing disagreement areas one at a time--resolve each item in an unhurried manner. You should each have the chance to state your point of view of the problem without being interrupted.
- Propose solutions: Request a change; propose a possible solution; invite your spouse to suggest solutions as well. If you can't agree, try to reach a working compromise, for example, "I accept what you say on one condition," then name the condition in a neutral tone of voice.
- Meet again: If compromise is tough to achieve during your session, take a time out, Dr. Polston advises, and try again another day. "We need to feel safe enough to know that not everything is solvable immediately," she says. "By admitting this to each other, you create a safety zone in your marriage."
