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By Julia Cole
1. Find the time
Never try to decide something important with your mates at the pub in attendance. Put time aside just for the two of you, turn off the TV and concentrate on the topic in hand.
2. Don't get distracted
Maintain eye contact as much as possible. Some people feel this is better accomplished at the kitchen table than slumped in a sofa, but pick the venue that is best for the two of you.
3. 'I feel...'
Start your sentences with 'I feel...' This will achieve two things. You will have to think what you do feel and will stop the hackles rising on your partner who might fear that you will start a verbal attack any minute.
4. Listen
Listening is an art form. Let your partner finish what they are saying, be patient and stop mentally rehearsing how you will defend yourself if they say something critical while they are talking.
5. Follow on from her
Try to encapsulate what your partner has said in your reply. Try 'I think you said... and I feel...'. This will help both of you to know you are on the right track.
6. Work together
Don't drag every row you ever had into the conversation if things get a little heated. Stick to the subject in hand and look for win/win outcomes. This is not a competition!
7. Do it bit by bit
If you have to take a big decision or handle a tricky issue, break it down into bite size pieces. Sort out a little each day and the big picture will soon be clearer.
8. Make things clear
Be specific rather than woolly. For example, say 'I would like you to put petrol in the car on Wednesdays' rather than 'You never do anything to the car'. Your partner will know what you want and feel less hurt than if you throw out a generalized criticism.
9. Tune into her mood
It's OK to laugh at some issues, but a throw away quip can stop good communication in its tracks. If your partner is trying to be serious, tune into his or her mood.
10. Don't put her down
Name calling and insults, however lightly intended, have no place in good communication. Stick to the point and never put your partner down.
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